Kitties In My Puppy Hole

Sent from a flare-lit helicopter

2009-01-02T18:45:00.000-05:00

"O! How thy worth with manners may I sing,
"When thou art all the better part of me?
"What can mine own praise to mine own self bring?
"And what is't but mine own when I praise thee?
"Even for this let us divided live,
"And our dear love lose name of single one,
"That by this separation I may give
"That due to thee, which thou deserv'st alone."

Hi ho.

2008-12-31T11:21:00.001-05:00

From the Prologue of Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut.

Tattoo

2008-11-26T18:48:00.004-05:00

Saw you go home
Late last night,
Checked the front door
It was locked up tight,
So I went around
To have myself a little look.

Snuck in through
Your kitchen door,
Grabbed a knife from
The top left drawer.
You're at my feet again
But Baby, you are no more.

You let out
Your last breath,
Told me that
I was the best
But "Please no more,"
"Please no more,"
Baby, you're getting more.

Shocking

2008-11-14T15:21:00.004-05:00

No joke: President Bush & The 2008 NCAA Sports Champions all endorse The Shocker.

Typically, when The Shocker is implemented a choice must be made whether to extend or retract the thumb (alongside the index, middle and pinky finger) for the sole purpose of clitoral stimulation. This act breaks The Shocker implementation into two categories: (1) The Unthumbed Shockers - typically more playful or experimental, usually chosen by first-time, worrisome or more cautious users, and (2) The Thumbed Shockers - typically utilized by professionals or someone who is confident not only in their ability to penetrate and potentially stimulate the vaginal cavity in tandem with the anal cavity, but someone who can also guide their subject to orgasm with the use of the extra appendage in the equation.

As you can see from the photo, many have chosen the former. The woman that stands second from the left in the front row saw what was happening and chose not to embarrass herself, unlike our current President, who stands front and center with a beautiful outstretched, sculpturesque Shocker ready for unknown territories.

Cat Facts

2008-11-13T11:36:00.003-05:00

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You!
(Thanks to THE MADAME)

What Cats Do When Looking Inside the Toilet
(Thanks to THE INTERNET)

I Need The Deposit For My SmartCar Back...

2008-11-11T15:36:00.002-05:00

You should see the fucking smile on my face right now.

(thanks Nikkita)

Weighted Companion Cube

2008-10-31T12:08:00.006-04:00

If you guys have never heard of Valve Software's latest creation Portal then you live in a cave and you aren't reading this blog right now because you can't get the internet in most caves.

Essentially, Portal is the glorified, underlying physics engine for Half Life 2, the ultra-Orwellian sequel to Gordon Freeman's original Black Mesa fiasco.

Anyway, here's the premise: You have a gun. The primary fire opens a blue portal. The secondary fire opens a red portal. If you enter the blue portal, you will come out of the red portal. If you enter the red portal, you will come out of the blue portal.

Simple enough.

The trick is that the nerds over at Valve not only are all fantastic plot writers, they are also mighty puzzle wizards - and though this game is not your traditional first-person shooter, at times you'll wish you could just blow the head off of a Vortigon (Half Life 1 era, of course).

The point?

If you have an XBOX360 or a Windows PC buy The Orange Box. If you don't want to buy anything (and you have a Windows PC) go to PortalPrelude.com to download your very own copy of Portal:Prelude, the apparent prelude to Portal.

I'm downloading this now. I suggest you do the same.

* * * * *

EDIT: I'd also like to note here that you, yes you! can make your very own (semi)Weighted Companion Cube in the comfort of your own home. Check Out Greg's Blog for More Information

Ugh God Tour Videos

2008-08-01T14:03:00.017-04:00

Chan, Dance the Night Away

Drums Like Machine Guns: In The Dark

Drums Like Machine Guns: In the Light

Dust From 1000 Years, Part 1

Dust From 1000 Years, Part 2

Fred & Susie, Part 1

Fred & Susie, Part 2

Ladysnax First Show

Wrestling, Part 1

Wrestling, Part 2

Dan Fucks a Pig

Gunna Vahm. Being Awesome.

Fortress of Swatches. Bull City HQ. Part 1

Fortress of Swatches. Bull City HQ. Part 2

Fortress of Swatches. Bull City HQ. Part 3

Ugh God Tour Blog: "That Was Really Fucking Long"

2008-08-01T08:46:00.002-04:00

Arlington, VA, (formerly Washington DC) was one of the best nights on the road. Brian and Richie Morsberger were stood up by their friend who was going to put them up for the night, granting us the opportunity to actually HANG OUT with them. Brian, Richie and I stayed up for a long time, partying on the porch.

The next day we got up and traveled to Baltimore where we met up with Dactyl and Gunna Vahm, fresh from a 52 hour drive across the width of the entire country. We bought Drums Like Machine Guns a pizza and drank Colt 45 at The Sidebar until our vision was blurred and we were all getting wild, wild eyes.

Drums started off the set. Two excessively racist fucks at the end of the bar was heckling them, calling them "hippies" and yelling "nooooo" every time Ritchie tested the PA. Brian started the set off by his usual banter, though included threats like "I will make you see your own blood, you fuck." Brilliant. We played, made some friends, Baltimore seemed receptive. Eric from Dactyl really liked it and gave me a ton of merch, which I'm currently rocking out to... in my office... ugh.

Vahm was in rare form for the night. Jeff did 3 shots during Lothario (the video of which i will be posting shortly) and later he tried to rail me in the testicles with a bar stool. He told me later that it "looked like I had enough to spare," which was compliment... of some kind.

Dactyl was awesome. If you guys haven't heard Dactyl, Fight Amputation or Gunna Vahm there is seriously something wrong with you.

Us and Drums drove to the 700 Club in Wilmington that night. We pretty much passed out as soon as we got there. When we woke up people had already started appearing for the festival. It was the 700 Club's last show, and they had asked us to headline, which was a monstrous honor, as they were a phenomenal venue. The entire day was pretty much a blur. The show was set up so that 2 bands could battle at a time for 20 minute intervals. The first band would play a song, then the other band would play a song. Repeat for 6 hours.

It was awesome. Everything was awesome. Everything except Chicago.

I'll be posting videos of some ridiculous crap and some of the bands we rocked out with along the way.

I was to thank some people as well, for making our tour completely awesome.

Jon Solomon of WPRB in Princeton. The Beautiful Traps for beating us in our battle at the radio station. Ron Anderson from PAK for the awesome, awesome show. Keith Abrams for the playing the crab and blowing our minds. Kevin and Mary of People for playing such a sick set. Migs, Dave, Greg and all the bros at the New Hawaii, thanks for the back rubs and for putting up with us for 2 days. Fat History Month for being just fucking awesome. Will from White Mice for sitting on his back porch with a bow and arrow in hand, just waiting for the zombie apocalypse. Chris in VT for putting us up when all of our 'friends' had forgotten about us. The Canadian border officers for being so hot (and nice). The Nevers, The Terrorists and Sweet Mother Logic for giving us a great show in Montreal. Channing and Eric in Rochester for the great place to stay and all the cats, we never stopped in Liquid Smoke but we did stroll past it. Thanks to Detroit for being a weird, weird fucking place. Tom in Lansing for letting us bang your girlfriend, and to those creepy girls downstairs, i hope you get the shit scared out of you at 4AM too, you bastards. Caleb and Amy Jehl for the great time we had in Ft. Wayne. Dust from 1000 Years for being the best band on tour by far. Thanks for nothing, Chicago. Jar, Victor and friends in Pendleton and for the night that completely destroyed Dan for the rest of the tour. Jimmy from Dust for the place to stay in Bloomington, and to Ron for all of the morning snacks. Eric Hall in St. Louis for the great show and all the love, thanks to Mable for making it to the show and to Mario for the fucking awesome tacos. A very special thanks to the zombies of Louisville. Thanks to Lex and Alex at Wolf Castle in Murfreesboro and to Evil Bebos for making it out to the show and showing that you love us as much as we love you. Thank you to Spillage for letting us play, though we were late, to Juffage for rocking really hard and to Lisa for the taco beers. Thanks to Joe and Selena for the place to stay and the cat party, Megaman eats flies. Thanks to my "cousin" Chaz for letting us crash at the Bull City Headquarters, when we had no place else to sleep, those fans did the trick. Thanks to the Spazzatorium and Jeff in Greenville, and to Brent's brother Andrew and sister Emily for making me feel like part of their family again. Thanks also to Sohns, Bears, Straight No Chaser and the other touring bands on the bill at the Summer Fun Fest. Thanks to Nara for the huge sushi platter, Narwhalz for the gay noise in the bathroom, and Drums Like Machine Guns for driving all the way to Richmond to start the end of the tour with us. Thanks to Amanda for the wizard. Thanks to Gestures and the Kansas house for putting the show on last minute, thanks to Juice for telling us to stay away from Mario's (i wish we would have listened to you), and thanks to Laughing Man for a reminder of the good ol' days. Thanks to the Sidebar for proudly serving Colt 45 and nachos, and to Dactyl and Gunna Vahm for the fucking awesome night of rock. And last but certainly not least, a very, very, very special thanks to Tom and Jess of the 700 Club, for helping us end our tour and their venue the right way... The Ugh God way... Half erect and really, really drunk.

Just wait for the videos.

Ugh God Tour Blog: "Our Nation's Crapital"

2008-07-30T13:10:00.001-04:00

The drive to DC from Richmond was an easy one, except for the standstill traffic packing every road in and around Washington. We met some beautiful babes on the highway during one of the extended delays who thought that the bright yellow van they were forced to stare at was the funniest thing they had ever seen. They would drive up when the traffic broke, honk, and stop while we drove past, showed them our boobs, dance and make stupid faces at them, as though we were truly deserving to be on the short bus that we drove.

They later passed us in an open lane and stopped a few car-lengths ahead of us, waiting for us to catch up and successfully blocking another lane of active traffic. They got a tape whipped at them. We made hot highway friends. Maybe they just felt sorry for us, though.

We eventually made it to DC Mini, the studio where our friend Brandon works. The show was originally supposed to be housed there, but later was moved to Kay's Spiritual Center, and after some confusion about rental fees, was finally relocated to Gestures' Practice Space.

Funny thing, I knew Gestures' tuba player, Jon Lebowitz, as I am good friends with his brothers Mike and Ben. It was nice to meet the third male spawn of the Lebowitz clan.

Anyway we played first, followed by Drums Like Machine Guns who played in the dark, lit only by a strobe light that barely worked (I've got video of the Richie's head, sequencer and brief moments of Brian running around, which will be posted as soon as I get home). Gestures and Laughing Man finished out the set beautifully.

Brian and I found a hide-a-bed and made it up real nice for ourselves. We were so stoked on crashing on its spring-less, back-breaking goodness but were dismayed to find Sean, Dan and Mike crammed on it moments later. Brian slept on the porch and I curled up on a stinky chair, cursing the bitches who robbed us of our triumphant find.

James got couged too. This time, full coug.

The tour curse has been broken.

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Friends Fore Ever"

2008-07-29T12:19:00.001-04:00

I don't have much time, but Greenville's Spazzatorium was a TON o FUN. Once we got there I realized that my childhood best friend's family lived in town and I was able to meet up with his younger brother and sister. It was really, really refreshing and awesome to see them again!

It was a 9 touring band show, the best of the best were Sohns, Light Pollution and Straight No Chaser. I can't explain to you how awesome it is to hang out with a ton of touring bands that were all late in their tours. We all just got trashed and shared our war stories. Fucking awesome.

Jeff, the Spazz master, was really good to us, buying us beer and making sure the bands all got paid. He's a huge DIY promoter who is doing it right. It made me feel a bit sick thinking about how corrupted the promo companies in Philly have become. Jeff is doing it right and is actually taking care of bands instead of just taking a ton of money from all of the shows he puts on. Promo companies like Hayday and R5 back home should take a hint and start working with local bands to help the Philly music scene flourish, instead of ignoring all of the hard work we've put into the music we love playing. Oh well, some people just love money above all other things.

Anyway, the next morning we went to go see the X-Files movie. Total mistake. Save your money.

We made it to Richmond and were greeted by 2/3 of the Morseberger brothers. Brandon had broken his arm a few weeks ago while crowd surfing during a Drums Like Machine Guns set, so he wasn't able to play the micro tour with Brian and Richie.

Color Kitten played their first show with us, it was really good. They were awesome peepz. DLMG played an incredible set, they were happy as hell to be back in Richmond. We played, the response was good, especially for a town with such a wild music scene. And Brian from Narwhalz of Sound closed out the set with a set performed in the bathroom with his friend. They stood in the bathroom hugging and moaning until a really drunk guy got weirded out and unplugged their mics. Later we found the same guy laying on the top of our van, screaming that he wanted to hang out with us.

Ah, Richmond.

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Ugh God... Durham..."

2008-07-27T02:47:00.001-04:00

We had a great breakfast this morning (thanks Selena!) and wandered around town for a bit. Everyone went to the lake to hunt giant alligators. Why does this feel like deja vu.

Anyway we went to a "really awesome burrito joint" in Wilmington. I've had really awesome diarrhea all day. Let me tell you, it's great to be stuck in a hot van, white-knuckling the steering wheel, trying not to unleash rectal hell in your pants.

Whatever. Them bOrritos tasted good.

We left for Durham, caravan style with Fortress of Swatches, around 5:30 and arrived at 8:00 to see our old friend Chaz's smiling man face. Mike and I met Chaz on the Chamomile tour 2 years ago when we played Bull City Records with Jaguaro.

We went first and kinda killed it. We played really well, but there weren't many people there. Still it was nice to play well and to impress the few that were present.

Fortress of Swatches played really well and I took a bit of video (which will be posted when we get home on Friday). Selena is awesome on the drums and has only been playing for a year. The next Dale Crover, for sure. Joe gave me a shirt, which made me happy. I like things.

Dr. Powerful forgot a bass at home, so their set was delayed for a bit. When they finally were able to rock they did a very fine job of it, for sure. Sean made an off handed comment about the guitar player's 12 string, which makes me think he was jealous.

Anyway, after the show me and Chaz shot the shit for a while, reminiscing about old Todd albums I picked up at his store, how awesome Jaguaro was, and stuff like that. He is a good man, and if you are ever in Durham you should certainly swing by the old Chaz's Bull City Records establishment. Be sure to check and double check the cheap CDs, sometimes Chaz doesn't know what he's sitting on ;)

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Ugh God Tour Van: "Laundro Lounge"

2008-07-26T12:11:00.002-04:00

Not too much stuff happened yesterday. We drove forever from Athens, GA, to Wilmington, NC. But we made it. Oh yes.

The Soapbox is a great venue. We had some beers. We played some pool. I beat Mike 3 times until Dan, somehow, completely owned the table. What a shark!

Anyway, Gay Blades never showed up, but I think they decided to play another day instead. We played pretty well, especially for being so tired from the lack of sleep and the long drive. The crowd was really responsive, and Dan and I were asked to solo at the end of the set. It was ridiculous.

Fortress of Swatches were really awesome and inspiring. They are a husband and wife duo. Now I want Nicole to start playing shows with me, as I've already started planning our matching black spandex outfits.

We stayed with Joe and Selena from Fortress. They made us breakfast. Awesome.

The rest of the guys are down at the local lake. They heard Wilmington has a problem with 6 foot alligators and Sean wants to wrestle one.

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Your House Smells Like A Dirty Tampon"

2008-07-25T02:40:00.001-04:00

And so we are here in Athens after being trapped in the van for countless, hot hours with hundreds of wrong turns under our belt, we arrive to the space to a rather nice lady telling us that the show is over.

It's 11PM.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Yesterday we played Murfreesboro, TN, or as I like to think of it, my second home. Each time I come to Murfreesboro the crowd is responsive and awesome, there are beautiful southern tramps everywhere and, without fail, a ridiculous party ensues.

We made it to Wolf Castle early, thinking that we were back in Eastern Standard Time. Lex greeted us at the door and mocked us relentlessly for being 4 hours early. He then took us to find dinner and beer.

We had met Lex's neighbor, Chastity, as soon as we arrived. I had asked her if her neighbors typically had loud, raucous parties until the wee hours of the morning, to make sure we were in the right place. She said 'yes' but had told me that she had always wanted to get an invitation to one of their parties. I laughed and told her that she should consider herself officially invited.

The show went pretty well. Blastoids, Sleepy Pie Skulls and Baby Birds Don't Drink Milk were good. We played 4th and made barely anything but had a great time with Lex and Alex at Wolf Castle. Chastity even came to the show.

Anyway, fast forward to today. The show was in fact over at 11PM, however we were permitted to play 4 songs at the end of the night, which was awesome. Everyone really enjoyed it too, which means a lot after a long drive. We made no money, which makes us worried about tomorrow's 6.5 hour drive, but once were on the east coast our drives are super short.

Good times, still. James will be up to 6 by the end of the tour, or so he tells me.

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Poop Tube"

2008-07-23T01:14:00.000-04:00

St. Louis was great, even though it was looking sad when we got there. We met the owner of CBGB, Guy, who told us the history of the bar as he fed us free beers.

Later Eric Hall showed up, played us some of his music and fed us more free beers. We met up with the guys from Nerve Parade and started the show. 4 people watched us, but we later realized everyone was sitting outside enjoying the music without destroying their ear drums. One of the 4 people was a old fan of Chamomile (me and Mike's old band). It was great talking to her after the show, she even introduced us to her friend Mario who put us up for the night.

And then there was Tim. Oh, Tim.

The Nerve Parade were real good and sludgey. Really nice guys too. They made me like St. Louis again.

Moving on, we're currently laying around the Sleepy Giant. We arrived at the show tonight at 8:30, and were immediately asked to play first, which we did.

We weren't too worried because there were a lot of kids at the show already. When we began, everyone filed in and watched us, clapped like zombies and filed out when we were finished. We went outside after the show to try and meet people (to sell merch) and noticed there was no one drinking. It was though we had walked into some kind of backwards, fucked up alternate dimension. We sold one CD to some girl that took pity on us, just before she left.

Jimmy from Dust From 1000 Years even came down from Bloomington and helped by trying to coerce tips from people, but we only made $7 (and that's including the money from the CD we sold). James and Mike went to go get beer and got egged on the way there.

Fuck this place.

I'm being too harsh. The owner of the house and his roommate Jess are awesome and extremely hospitable.

We played with Fred & Susie for the second and final time tonight. It was really sad to know we'll be away from the Dust guys for a long time. They make me want to move to Bloomington just to watch them practice.

At least we've got couches and fans to sleep with tonight, which has been a rare commodity thus far. Kudos, residents of the Sleepy Giant!

A 90 year old woman told us to change out band name and I fucking destroyed a huge silver-fish. Yes!

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Life Is Lookin' Up When You're Eating A Sun Chip And Mustard Sandwich!"

2008-07-21T22:05:00.001-04:00

We did some major amp repairs at Ben's house in Bloomington yesterday. Ben's the lead singer of Dust From 1000 Years.

Yet again we made it to the venue way too early and found ourselves twiddling our thumbs, waiting for the venue to open.

This tour has had more downtime than any other tour I've ever been on. We've been over-eating to stop the boredom.

We met the old bassist for Ted Nugent and REO Speedwagon at the bar across the street from Rockit's Pizza. He was the bouncer, and when Sean found out who he was his head almost exploded.

Not much to say about the show, really. Fred and Susie, a Dust side project featuring Ben and his lady friend (I'm assuming), were awesome. Quiet but powerful. We played facing the wall, which was funny. DBH was cool, and played outside, but I didn't get a chance to talk to them.

We crashed at Jimmy's house, the keyboardist from Dust. He was very happy to have us, and us, happy to be had, slept all over his living room. He lived with his dad and a nice cat named Yoshi (who only liked me).

Jimmy's dad bought us all fixin's for breakfast, which we gobbled up as Jimmy told us old stories from when his dad was a federal agent in charge of inspecting newly acquired weapons for the local army base.

We got on the road soon thereafter, heading to St. Louis. We arrived early, again, and I'm killing time by pounding coffee 2 doors away from CBGB.

We made it past the hump! We're on our way home!

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "I'm Moving To Pendleton!"

2008-07-20T15:39:00.000-04:00

Chicago, as you may have read, was fucked. We spent the night in a district of the city that the locals refer to as "Boys Town" after playing the worst, most unorganized and completely ridiculous show of the tour by far. We played a place that had the "brilliant" idea of booking us on a hardcore show... A hardcore show with 4 touring bands... Needless to say there were an awful lot of angry meatheads running around when each band was handed $10 after the show was shut down during the 4th band's first song.

I may be being a bit harsh on The Guesthouse. They've been having problems with the police lately so they might not have promoted the show very well *cough* or at all *cough* because of it. The people who lived there were very nice. The other touring bands enjoyed it too, which is good, because they were the only people in the crowd.

After the show is when we left to stay with James' brother Michael in "Boys Town." Mike and Sean were supposed to sleep in the van over night, though the streets were too busy for them to actually sleep. In the morning Mike told us that they saw Wrigley Field and got groped by gay men multiple times. Sean sat in silence next to him wearing dark sunglasses while he nursed a breakfast beer.

We were then on our way to Pendleton, Indiana, or as I like to call it "The Place I Will Move My Family To Against My Wife's Will." We got an oil-change near Dayton (because Dan decided that Automatic Transmission Fluid should go in the oil tank. Great job!) In the waiting room the owner had a 2 foot crocodile proudly displayed for all of his customers to see. We watched it snap a mouse's neck. It was awesome.

Once in Pendleton, we realized that the town only has 2 stop lights. Period. We went to the town's lone bar to get some dinner before the show. We met a guy named Victor, who was good friend of Jar (the promoter for the bookstore we were playing that night). He whooped my ass at pool.

We met up with Jar. Saaba Banks and Dust From 1000 Years showed up. I met a cat named Kilgore. I was happy.

The show went really well, Dust was awesome and Saaba Banks were really great. After the show we partied with Jar, Victor and their friend Andrea.

Now we're in Bloomington at a Subway waiting for James to fix Sean's amp. Woot!

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Fuck Chicago!"

2008-07-19T03:01:00.001-04:00

Seriously.

Fuck Chicago.

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Mike's Got Poobs"

2008-07-18T18:14:00.001-04:00

The show last night was impeccable. Caleb and Amy Jehl were more than hospitable, inviting us into their home and even cooking all of the bands dinner.

As soon as we got to Fort Wayne we went to my favorite park to kill a few hours. Sean and Mike skateboarded for a long time, we got slush puppies and just laid around. Dan and Sean had a ridiculous wrestling match that ill be posting to the myspace when we return.

Mr. Dr. Prof. played their reunion show last night, they were really nice guys. We played pretty well and everyone stuck around for it. People even bought CDs! Ha!

Dust From 1000 Years really blew our minds. They are one of the best bands I've ever seen play and I'm very excited were playing 3 more nights with those guys. Matty (drummer) is a sick skateboarder.

After the show, Caleb and Patrick (Red Bear) shared old touring war stories with us. They've toured so much and have been through a ton of crazy shit. They are both incredible musicians (Caleb Jehl and Red Bear).

We all slept well. I wrestled Dan before we left. I pinned him on the ground with a move called "The Crescent" but then he got on my back and literally choked me out until I fell over. That little bastard is quick!

Best night on tour so far! We're on our way to Chicago right now to play with a bunch of hardcore bands from South Jersey.

Ugh... Jersey.

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Dan Number Three'd!"

2008-07-17T11:19:00.000-04:00

Not much to say today. The drive from Detroit to Lansing was only an hour and a half.

Foul Mustache was incredible. That's all I'm going to say.

We made friends with some people in Holt named Tom and Naomi, and we ended up sleeping in Tom's attick-thing on some mattresses. Naomi made us breakfast.

The most normal day on the tour so far!
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Ugh God Tour Blog: "Welcome to Faygo Country!"

2008-07-16T14:14:00.001-04:00

After about 9 hours in the van we were welcomed into Detroit by three enormous smokestacks pumping, what seemed to be, noxious fumes into the Michigan air. A few seconds later we were hit with the aroma of rotten eggs. Apparently there's an island south of the city that closely resembles every depiction of Detroit in the movies.

The highway we were on (RT-75) just stopped one mile before our exit. The detour we took landed us underneath the bridge to Canada in an particularly seedy part of town.

We eventually found our way to The Grand Canyon. We met the people running the show and unloaded everything. We finished up by 9:30 when we asked what time the show was supposed to go on. Everyone said 10:00. There were three people in the backyard, one of which lived upstairs.

We were all pretty worried at this point, since we had just driven 9 hours for seemingly no reason, but the guys at the venue just kept saying, "Start a bonfire. If you build it, they will come."

So we did and sure enough before we were finished there were about 50 kids in the back yard. Unfortunately, everyone looked and acted just like they we're in Philly.

The first band played and were really good, then we were up, and sure enough people started to drain out of the house as soon as we started playing (just like Philly). After the show, though, everyone said how much they really enjoyed our set and how they really appreciated us coming out to play.

Mike got couged.

I took a shower.

We made some money and I'm drinking a Faygo... Awesome!
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Ugh God Tour: "Listen Guys, No More Food From Anywhere! We're Gonna Make That a Rule!"

2008-07-15T17:33:00.000-04:00

Immediately after getting back into America, James found a traffic gate that was fun to spin around on. He realized that if you run and jump on the gate it would slowly spin around back to its point of origin. Dan saw this and, thinking it was fun, was next in line to take turns on it. Sean walked up and started pushing Dan and James on it, then he decided to take a turn himself. It broke immediately. They were scolded by the rest stop attendant as I bought a Pepsi and drank it while they tried to fix the broken gate.

They eventually gave up and we left, telling the woman that it was all fixed.

I finished the drive to Rochester. Once inside the city limits I got a phone call from a promoter who was helping us out in another city. He talked my ear off for about a half hour while I was trying to find the venue. When we finally did reach Boulder Coffee I was in a shitty mood from driving and being on the phone, compounded by the fact Boulder Coffee was big, empty and looked more like an "open mic" kind of place.

We were all pretty discouraged.

We brought in our gear, set it all up and began pounding coffee. I went around to the handful of people sitting with their laptops and warned them of their impending sonic annihilation.

We played soon thereafter. It was hard to judge how receptive people were as we were playing but there were a few claps in between songs.

By the end of the set we noticed one of the baristas hovering around our merch. She had told us that we we're "hands down the best band to ever play Boulder Coffee," which was a pretty cool complement since they have music there every single night.

We also met Channing and Eric who ended up putting us up for the night at Channing's mother's house. She had a sweet concrete enclosed patio which we slept on after hanging out and getting pretty wasted on Molsen Canadian and Jack Daniel's Green Label.

They were awesome. Channing's mom had 8 cats. I was in heaven.

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Ugh God Tour Blog: "I've Forgotten The Blog Number Already"

2008-07-14T16:32:00.001-04:00

The. Canadian border was fine. We were asked the standard questions aboot our trip, our stay, tobacco, firearms, alcohol, sex slaves, dog balls, etc. We were asked to pull under an awning and to step out of the car for a search.

Two extremely beautiful border guards greeted us with smiles and the sickening snap of latex rubber gloves. They only searched the van for about 15 minutes. They then asked us to step into the office to speak with Immigration. Upon entering the building we were greeted by yet another beautiful border control official. Apparently when you enter Canada via the RT-89 highway from Vermont you are actually driving onto a soft-core, police fetish porno set. The third beautiful customs official asked us a mess of questions about our show, which resulted in our fairly immediate entry into the country.

We arrived at the Friendship Cove at 2:30pm (or 14h30 if you're gay) and began yet another lethargic venue meandering session. The Friendship Cove is located on top of a bicycle repair shop, owned by a man who was seemingly trying to buy every pin ball machine in Quebec. He let us play them for free.

The actual space we played in was amazing. It was a giant warehouse space that was laid out like a labyrinth. I suggest, if you are ever in Montreal, that you check out a show there.

Around 18h00 Sweet Mother Logic showed up to hang out with us. They loved our dicks (shirts). The Terrorists and The Nevers showed up a bit later and after a lot of amp swapping the show had begun.

The Terrorists played first, dancing somewhere on the line of 80s Hair Metal and Seattle Grunge. They were definitely enjoyable and extremely good musicians for their age, which looked to be somewhere between 15 and 17, though I could be way off.

Sweet Mother Logic completely floored all of us. They had 2 cellists, a guitarist/bassist, drummer and analog/digital synth player. We are coaxing them to come to Philadelphia, so just you wait!

The Nevers were really awesome to us, Khalil (the singer) was very excited to play with us, and offered to handle the door for the entire night. They sounded a bit like disgruntled Joy Division with a Doors exterior. They certainly put on an awesome show.

We made some good friends last night. We didn't think people would come out or care at all, but they did and it meant a lot to us. Canada, you're our friend. Great Job!

* time lapse *

I had saved this post in my phone to post it when we crossed the American border... Which we just did. The officer asked all of our names, if we picked up anything in Canada and if we smoke pot.

He took a quick peek at our brick of equipment in the back, swaggered back to the car and released a very rewarding "see ya!"

We're back, bitches!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ugh God Tour Blog #5: "When Am I Going To Forget Which Blog Number I'm On?"

2008-07-13T11:40:00.000-04:00

We're on our way to Montreal right now so I have to make this quick.

Yesterday we left Providence and embarked on our first long-ish drive. During said drive we found a Brown Recluse Spider in the van. James killed it. We're all still wondering how many more may be lurking in our clean pairs of boxers.

The show last night was a train wreck. We played with a good Latin salsa band and a soft rock Burlington sensation.

We played, very poorly and made some decent money. This guy Chris put us up for the night, he was a good man. He warned us of the dangers of watching too much cable television.

More later.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ugh God Tour Blog #4: "Why Do I Keep Waking Up in the Van?"

2008-07-12T10:07:00.001-04:00

When we got to Club Baby Seal (what USED to be known as Whore Island) we were greeted by Will from White Mice and the guys from Seventh Ring of Saturn.

Will was looking for his cat as we stumbled around his house looking at all of the amazing posters from various Providence projects. White Mice, Landed, Lightning Bolt, Bastard Noise, Mindflayer, Olneyville Sound System and many other awesome bands lined his walls. He had a lot of Brian Chippendale and Mat Brinkman's posters that I had never seen before.

Once Will found his cat he began setting up a vegan feast in the back yard. We ate some food while he told us about the freak Brown Recluse Spider attacks in the neighborhood. Needless to say we spent the remainder of the evening scratching ourselves raw every time we thought we felt something crawling across our skin.

The show was really great, Seventh Ring of Saturn played first who were followed by Bellows, the three-piece Tuba/Baritone Sax/Drum experimental metal project of one of the members of Barnicled! They had brought along a sub-woofer that I had chosen to lean against for their set. Do you have any idea what it feels like to stand next to a Tuba fueled sub-woofer that is approximately the size and depth of a dining room table? It made my skin crawl (in a good way :)

Cutter (from Brooklyn) played after Bellows. They put on a fantastic show. Cutter's drummer was superb. If you have a second, I would highly recommend looking them up on Myspace or something.

We finished out the night. As soon as we started playing, Dan hit the only light bulb in the basement, breaking it immediately. Instantly Mike and Sean were lost, since they were no longer able to see ANYTHING. After a few minutes, Will ran in with another light bulb. Dan got about 2 hits in before shattering that light bulb too. Will appeared a few minutes later with a lamp that he placed well out of the way of Dan.

Light bulb smashing aside, we made some good impressions, which is hard to do in Providence, since their music scene has seen/done it all before.

After the party we just sat around and drank. Mike and Sean snagged a bottle of wine and took off into the grave yard adjacent to Will's house. Will had told us that it was good that he moved directly across the street from one of the largest graveyards in Providence, since he would be on the front lines if there ever happened to be a Zombie Apocalypse.

I stumbled out to the van once someone decided to see how many times they could play Michael Jackson's "Thriller" in a row. It reminded me of West Philly dance parties WAY too much.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ugh God Tour Blog #3: "When Will Sean Poop?"

2008-07-11T17:32:00.001-04:00

Well, the title of this blog is a bit misleading as Sean was able to poop early this afternoon.

In fact, the picture that accompanies this post is not of Sean getting punched in the stomach, but of our friend Migs from The New Hawaii giving Sean an abdominal massage.

Migs is going to school to become a professional massage therapist and will be moving to Denmark to pursue his trade. He gave us all back massages today which lead us to believe that we will undoubtedly be very successful in the coming years.

The show last night went well, even though White Noise Supremacy never showed up. Fat History Month's drummer had gotten into a bike accident the day before and had fallen into a curb. They still came and put on an awesome show.

Florida=DEATH was superb as always and we were even treated to a "Drips" set. "Drips" is a hip hop side-project of the Florida boys. It is really pretty insane. Unfortunately we had forgotten to pester them for a CD before we left.

This morning we woke up and were greeted with the idea of going to Tom's Diner in Wallingsford (just down the street from the Wallingsford American Legion where Mike and I had met Skeletonbreath a few years ago). For $2.50, Tom would make you the biggest fucking Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwich you've ever seen. For another dollar you could get a White Birch Beer soda, which kind of just tasted like water and corn syrup. Mike loved the soda.

We noticed that Tom, a hunch backed, elderly man, had a "Wall of Fame" which consisted of seemingly every hot girl in the area with their arms wrapped, tightly around him. Each of the pictures had ambiguous thank-yous, which were riddled with sexual innuendo, scrawled at the bottom. It was more than terrifying.

We just arrived at Whore Island (aka. Club Baby Seal). Time to run, naked, around Providence.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ugh God Tour Blog #2: "Tammyville, CT"

2008-07-10T18:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we arrived in Manhattan at 3pm, after being awake for 8 hours. We immediately packed our gear into the Cake Shop. When we were finished, Sean suggested to Greg (the barrista on duty) to name a cake in honor of Ugh God, "Quiche on my Ding." He said that didn't sound too appetizing. I told him that we'd leave him our address where he would be able to send the royalty checks.

We went to get some falafel. Mike had left to go explore for a while. He was later found exiting a corner market with a $9 pack of cigarettes.

We laughed at a few dope addicts. We saw some stupid hipsters. We hugged. We found a guitar shop that had a 2.5 foot long stick bass with rubber strings. It was stupid.

After 5 hours of meandering around the blocks surrounding the venue we realized Ron Anderson from PAK was slinking around the Cake Shop. We said our hellos. He told us how awesome touring Europe is. We got jealous.

Soon after we sound checked, Keith Abrams (Ron's drummer) showed up which made us all happy. We had toured with Keiths other band, Giggle The Ozone, in October of last year.

We played first as to get our set out of the way as soon as possible to witness the glory that is People and PAK.

People played second. Kevin and Mary put on a beautiful show which completely floored Dan and myself.

PAK closed out the night. Their set was incredible. I highly recommend checking them out if you are able (Friday in Philly. Saturday in Baltimore.)

During our last tour with Keith we had given him a plastic crab as a gift (not more than five feet from where I'm sitting as I'm writing this). Keith loves crabs an unhealthy amount. Not in the normal, edible sense, but in the way you would love a cat or dog. While he was setting up his drums last night I noticed he had mounted it atop his drum set and during one song he actually played it. He played the crab. I almost wept.

After the show we headed up to stay with our friends at The New Hawaii. We arrived around 3:30am, extremely tired. They welcomed us in, gave us some couches and blankets and we passed out.

Today we woke up at noon with a cook-out on our minds. We made bacon-cheeseburgers on the grill, drank some beers, listened to Bong Ripper and took some naps.

Only 2 hours until the show! Awesome.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ugh God Tour Post #1: "Welcome to Hell"

2008-07-09T11:53:00.001-04:00

We reached our first date yesterday right on schedule. WPRB's Jon Solomon was very warm and inviting.

The Beautiful Traps had beaten us to the show by about a half hour and we're fairly cheery. Morgan, as we arrived, was already blaring noise from his amp while every passer-by gawked in horror.

Everyone jogs EVERYWHERE in Princeton, NJ.

The Beautiful Traps were up first. Solomon gave them the rundown and they began... and ended in 12 minutes.

Then it was our turn. We tracked, re-tracked, and re-re-tracked for a good 3 hours. It felt like work, so we've come to the conclusion that starting a tour off with a recorded set is a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.

After the show we left Princeton to stay with a friend's family. Upon entering the back yard of the property, we were repromanded severely by our friends mother for not walking through the house to first meet her before sticking out sweaty boy legs in her pool.

We were then told that our manners were in shambles, that we appeared to be "30-something and superior to the world", and that we were permitted to stay only on the condition that we abstain from drug use (though drinking in moderation was acceptable and welcomed). We then had the lights turned out on us.

James, Mike and I spent the night in the van for fear that our lives were in jepordy.

We woke up, dripping with sweat at 7:30 and have been in Lambertsville/New Hope all day, waiting for a certain music store to open at noon.

Tonight we head to Manhattan to play the Cake Shop with our dear friends PAK and People.

Wish us luck! UGH GOD!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Get a Change of Pants...

2008-06-06T12:12:00.012-04:00

If you follow these instructions perfectly you will poop your pants:

1. Go to any website with pictures on it. Not too hard to find. Amazon.com / Ebay.com are good examples. Allmusic.com is pretty good. Go find a fun one. If you try step two on my blog it wont work :(

2. Replace the contents of the address/url field with the following code:

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);

3. Hit Enter and smoke a joint.

(thanks Sean)
(and thanks to Benji for this DRAGONTIME)

No Language. No Dildos.

2008-05-13T15:53:00.001-04:00

This is why the internet exists.

Shoutout to whiney old Ben.

Fuck Skateboarding

2008-05-07T13:09:00.000-04:00

TIME FOR PANT-JUMPING!

Om - At Giza

2008-05-01T12:54:00.001-04:00

Rise aviator - sun will follow.
Aperture on door the wave form school.
Sentient ground of the light shrine shining.
Aperture on door the lind-hymm stone.

Sentient ground of the light shrine shining.
Aperture on door the lind-hymm stone.
The orbits arms oscillate to freedom.
Params the shore of celestial sea.

Rise aviator - sun will follow.
On aperture on door the wave form school.
Sentient ground of the light shrine shining.
Semblates the finite - to autumnate seen.

Electron sea - now set free - takes into the sky above on sentinel stream.
And grant to me - a light to see - and pilgrimage to mountain of the votaric form.
And lighten pon day - the solarics raise - falls upon the ziggurat electron school.
And reap upon field - the host moon fade away - glides the aeronaut toward the object form.

And lighten pon day - as scintillate rays - augurate arrival of a seraphic form.
From Lebanon reels - the obelisk seen - called now inverse upon the currenter-sign.
The matter form wanes - the host moon fades - takes into the sky ascends the freedomward dove.
The right of fall sealed, decendant orb hails her - down to the ground of electron form.

And travels under twin suns rays - the host-moon fades - takes into the clesiast at oracle school.
An epison raise - the pole star fades - wakes into availed light of aurican form.
To reach a suns rays - through glowing bronze grace - leaves the lake and rises toward empyrean sun.
The swans array - the crane stands veild grace - tunnement to the omen of the object form.

And travel on toward the lighten pon day - on through a spine's gates - climbs the silken thread to cross a silvering sun.
The Orphic glow seen - as aural sounds ring - climbant to the throne within on spine's attuned prow.
Empyrean rays - engulf the nine gates - dove ascends to freedom through a lantern filled sky.
Awakens from field - availed light's salving grace - heralds arrival of the solar-object form.

Reemerge to breathe - the outform seen - vivified by llumined glow through auric-clad sheath.
An epison raise - the pole star fades - wakes into availed light of aurican form.
To reach a suns rays - of glowing bronze grace - leaves the lake and rises toward empyrean sun.
The swans array - the crane stands veiled grace - tunnement to the omen of the object form.

And lighten pon day - as scintillate rays - augurate arrival of a serephic form.
From Lebanon reels - the obelisk seen - called now inverse upon the currenter-sign.
The matter form wanes - the host moon fades - takes into the sky ascends the freedomward dove.
The rite of fall sealed - crematation now reclaims - bows toward the sun and sheds the object form.

What Made Me So Mad

2008-04-29T11:24:00.002-04:00

My darling wife tells me that people, when going to look at a blog, want to read. I was under the opposite impression, that you sad bastards are sick of reading and you want clever shit to tickle your rim rams.

But hey. I'll give the people what they want.

On Sunday, I woke up to a girl horking in my toilet. Something about that made me want to draw. So i drew. What came out is what you see above. Sometime early on in the drawing process i had decided that that day was not a day to be sober, so i started trucking vodka.

There i am, sitting there, emptying a bottle of Smirnoff 80 proof.

How was that for a story?

True Kitties In My Puppy Hole

2008-04-23T13:27:00.000-04:00

Get Back On The Pony

2008-04-21T11:50:00.003-04:00

9 years ago I let go of the dream. It was summer and school was out. One morning I decided to get up and go to Wawa for a milkshake. You know those crazy milkshakes in the cardboard box that Wawa used to sell? Whatever.

I skated Zero Army at the time, the deck with the toy soldiers on the bottom. I get onto the street and start pumping. No more than 30 feet from my house I hit a rock. A teeny weeny little fucker. I dropped and skidded about 5 feet on my right side.

When I got up there was just blood. My entire right leg was skinned, along with my right arm and the right side of my head. I laid on the couch for 2 days. It was fucking retarded.

After about a week I started to look like a burn victim. The scabs stuck around for about 6 or 7 more weeks and I still have scars on my leg from it.

So after 9 years and 5 friends all buying decks at the same time I'm remounting that pony -- and ironically skating a Zero Burn Victim deck ;)

Just Like My Office

2008-04-20T00:17:00.001-04:00

This is my office. Minus the swear jar.

Energy Legs

2008-04-18T14:47:00.004-04:00

Holy fuck:

And the follow-up:

:D

2008-04-08T00:09:00.001-04:00

Shit yes!

Aurora Comes in View.

2008-04-07T23:54:00.002-04:00

Get out of my head.

Sausages! Sausage!

2008-04-05T21:39:00.002-04:00

I thought this was funny. Don't you judge me.

Frightmare

2008-04-03T22:45:00.006-04:00

Do you understand what its like to listen to the best metal band that I've heard in the last 20 minutes? No. You don't do you! Until now, you filthy little rim-ram: »» Midnight Murder Mania (mp3, son)

They have more music and shit on their completely metal website, SlasherMetal.com... SO FUCKING AWESOME!

Clubber Lang Beats Child Out Of Coma!

2008-03-31T00:29:00.003-04:00

Click the picture above and prepare your brain for sudden impact.

B'OWL

2008-03-25T20:48:00.001-04:00

"... your pets will LOOOOOOOOK at B'owl!"

Your New Horrific Realization

2008-03-25T18:53:00.007-04:00

Lebo, a friend of mine, recently rescued a cat from a local SPCA.

Lebo was so excited about this he decided to send pictures of Lorem (the new cat) to a few, select friends.

A conversation arose between two of the friends, pleading with Lebo not to become overwhelmingly lonely to the point of raping his new feline friend.

During the back-and-forth, one of the friends had mentioned the well known fact that "every time you masturbate Jesus rapes a kitten." The other made the connection that Lebo was obviously the culprit--since both Jesus and Lebo are Jewish, and Lebo would rape a cat--thusly making Lebo, undoubtedly, the savior of the Christian faith.

That's where my many, many years of research came into play:

Me.

One time i was watching a movie on Lebo's couch next to Hershel [former feline]. Hershel started cleaning 'the kitty-kitty no-no zone.' Next thing i knew i had a heavily perspiring Lebo on top of me.

"Every time a kitten masturbates Lebo rapes a friend."

Friend 1.

Conflict:
What happens when Lebo masturbates? Does Lebo then rape his own ass? And further, if he rapes himself, isn't that masturbating? ...and thereby putting himself in an endless loop of self anal masturbatory rape? Its a good thing he's not a cat!

Me.

Have you ever wondered about those "natural" disasters that occur "randomly," destroying the lives of many innocent individuals?

When Lebo masturbates -- you are correct -- it causes Lebo to rape his own ass. And, yes, that is technically classified as masturbation, since an individual cannot willingly rape themself. This does cause a chain reaction that reaches an incredible, nay, astronomical climax the effects of which are felt around the world.

The last time Lebo masturbated Class-5 Hurricane Katrina destroyed most of Louisiana, Cuba, The Bahamas, Southern Florida, Mississippi and parts of Alabama.

Then there was the incident where that tsunami took out India and Indonesia...

... and heres a little known fact: El Nino actually grew most of its power during Mike's "curious" years when first he realized this special kind of "self-love."

Friend 2.

I hate to throw a wrench in your hypothesis, but I think I've seen a flaw. If the 'Wrath of God' was incurred EVERY TIME Lebo masturbated, there would be no one left here to debate the issue. Floods would have washed us all away. Lava flows would have carried our keyboards away from our furiously typing fingers. Given the month of July 2007 alone I'm sure we'd all have been done in by a plague of locusts or at least had our dental work shattered by frogs raining down from the sky.

So there might need to be some amendment. It's possible that the natural disasters only result when Lebo is masturbating directly into his own ass.

I'm pretty sure we'll only have a working theory if we interview Lorem.

Me.

This point was brought up to me by Lebo himself, moments after my theory was released into the wild. Obviously, i understand how the male psyche works. The penis needs love, and in some cases, especially Lebo's, the penis needs love many times an hour.

Here's the explanation as to why the Earth does not yet resemble the lit end of a cigarette.

Earlier in this conversation it was determined that every time Lebo masturbates he will undoubtedly rape himself causing yet another masturbatory act, thus causing another self-rape, etc, etc, etc. This seemingly causes an "infinite" loop of rape and masturbation. But the number of times this loop occurs is, in fact, finite... not infinite. A catastrophic calamity will occur once this loop has iterated to the number 6.859356963880638e+138 (which is the nth term of the Fibonacci Sequence where n is equal to 666).

Though this number is very large, you can plainly see that it is not infinite. This means that, once the loop iteration reaches the aforementioned number, some kind of grand-scale destruction will inevitably take place. Before continuing, it is important to note here that the rate at which this number is reached, too, is variable. The velocity of the loop's iteration is determined by Lebo's day-to-day caloric intake and mood.

Lucky for us (and the rest of the universe) the loop can be broken simply if and when any cat masturbates. Then, as i know all too well, Lebo will be forced to rape one of his friends, thusly negating the loop, since raping another individual is indeed rape and in no way masturbation. Cycle broken. Sigh of relief.

So the next time your cat is "goin' at it" look down at your furry friend and smile. He or she may have just saved the universe.

EDIT: Special thanks to my wife who, after I explained this blog to her, came up with the word "rapesturbate."

Some Things I've Done

2008-03-24T21:06:00.005-04:00

The following are a few doodles that hang, proudly, on my office wall.

Bromp Treb Your Face Off

2008-03-22T11:36:00.009-04:00

Meet Bromp Treb, the solo project of the drummer of one of the greatest bands in the universe: Fat Worm of Error.

His name is Neil Young.
Obviously, not to be confused with the Neil Young.

I stumbled across his dulcet, cacophonous symphonies many years ago, even before the era of the Faux Fetus Collective, while perusing through the many artists of the Puzzling Archive.

Neil is also the man behind Yeay! Cassettes, one of my all-time-favs.

I'll give you some homework.

Please download the following. All tracks offered in GLORIOUS 256kbps MP3.

Summertime Attack Module #1 - Bromp Treb Soundsystem

Bromp Treb Poo Samurai Versus Kung Fu Battle Grip #2 - Bromp Treb Poo Samurai

Nuclear Heart/Unquestionably Unkind #3 - Bromp Treb Mind Phantom

Touble in the miks - Bomp Teb

TOUBLE IN THE MIKS - side 1

Unreleased

(special hosting thank you to Aaron Russell of the great Puzzling Archive. go chekkit out.)

So you like what you've heard? Go buy some stuff at the Yeay! Cassettes MEGAMART!

Fuck You, China

2008-03-18T13:58:00.007-04:00

WAR ON BEIJING CAT DEATH CAMPS!

China is sort of like a small, 15 year old dog.

Though the dog is absolutely repulsive to pretty much every sense, you still tolerate its existence--even though it walks into walls, drags its ass along the carpet, and vomits for seemingly no reason.

You feel bad for the dog even though everything it does disgusts you. Its logic and reasoning is equivalent to that of a senile old man. Every sound it makes is pathetic, every step it takes is unsure.

Poor, poor China.

Will Arnett. You Are A Genius.

2008-03-11T12:37:00.003-04:00

Savage Nomads

2008-03-10T13:15:00.006-04:00

Savage Nomads was a little known band from back in the day (but not as far back in the day when niggas had waves, Gazelle shades and corn-braids).

This was a project between myself, Brian Reichert, Mike Parry, Jared Brey and Ted Crawford. Recorded in Brian and Mike's apartment (and sometimes in their parking lot) in Flourtown, PA in 2003-2004. The lineup was constantly rotating, bleeding and weird. The last album, for example, was recorded in a Jeep. I set up my entire drum set in the back of that Jeep. Mike played a mountain dulcimer and Crawford sung about men who were, at the time, taller than him.

This is pretty embarrassing stuff. But it's awesome. But secret.

Here are the albums. Free. For you.

Savage Nomads Collection I (Right-Click and "Save Target/Link As")

01. Go
02. Abu
03. Assfaced
04. Joy
05. NO
06. Out
07. Personal
08. Selfish
09. Shit
10. Splode
11. Marmalade
12. SixtySix
13. Bent
14. Intimate
15. Talking

Savage Nomads Collection II (Right-Click and "Save Target/Link As")

01. Beanie
02. Deep Purple
03. Once
04. Bill Cosby (Part Two)
05. Jesus and Mary
06. Precum
07. The D's
08. Love with You

In The Jeep (Right-Click and "Save Target/Link As")

01. Old Country
02. Spanish King
03. Dark and Mysterious
04. Cheese
05. Mittens
06. Mister Bloody
07. Timothy
08. Tipperelli
09. Dunno
10. Wooden Shoes
11. Snowy Drive
12. Eye Spy

Fucking Pooped Everywhere

2008-03-05T12:03:00.002-05:00

This movie made me poop. Don't be stupid. Go and see it.

Werewolf is Boys. Naked.

2008-03-03T18:30:00.007-05:00

With very much hesitation I bring you The Special Poetry Slam.

... complete with a brilliant adaptation by Don Scanlon

Now, before you go sending me hatemail: CLICK HERE!

This One's For You, Koogs...

2008-02-26T10:53:00.003-05:00

YES + The Buggles + Tempus Fugit = WTF

Dear Comcast

2008-02-22T20:49:00.002-05:00

I hope you get AIDS and die. I'm not even 'just saying that.' I really mean it.

We've known each other for many years now and you are a continual disappointment. Really, i cant think of anything you've done in the last 6 years that really struck me as awesome. A company should be awesome, thats how a company gains customer loyalty. Like Google or Apple.

But no. You are just a behemoth juggernaut of the universe made specifically for retarded people. That used to be an awesome universe... and now its ruined.

Here's an example: I called you about 9 months ago asking if you would please disable our phone service from our "Triple Gay" pack, because I don't need a land-line and paying "$33.00" a month for something I don't need isn't very smart. You told me that if you were to do this, it would only knock a mere $5 off of my monthly bill. WTF. But thats not ever the big "WTF." Today my wife called you, asking to remove the phone service from our plan, and today you told her that would bring our bill down to $66.00 a month. Hm.

Something is weird. Don't you think?

Also, i hate that stupid fucking building you put up in my city. It looks like a jump-drive. Are you people just a gaggle of retards? Have you looked at the Cira center? The people that designed that actually have brains. BRAINS! It's not only pleasing to the eye--It even shines bright colors at you when you are stuck in traffic. See? That's just nice.

So please answer me. What the hell is wrong with you people? Your internet sucks. Your cable sucks. On Demand never works. Nothing ever works. You don't hire people who actually work.

Just die.

While Hunting For Macabre...

2008-02-20T15:21:00.005-05:00

... I found this.

But speaking of Macabre, you should definitely check them out if you have not familiarized yourself with their catalog. They are a three-piece brutal thrash/death metal band who've devoted their professional music career to singing solely about serial killers. Because of this they have reached the self-proclaimed status of "Murder Metal."

Are you not a fan of metal? Brutal licks and metrinomical [not a word] double-bass aren't exactly your cup of tea? Well then you should go and listen to the Macabre Minstrels, an all-acoustic act comprised of the men of Macabre, singing lucid fireside songs about such notorious icons as Alferd Packer and Ed Gein. Beautiful.

The New Ugh Quarters

2008-02-20T00:36:00.007-05:00

Sean, James and Dan (Beard, Dreams and Daan⁽¹⁾) have opened a new space. Ugh God has packed up from the dregs of Germantown and have moved to the dregs of North West Philadelphia. Though we miss the Dojo, the new space is geared more for what we are trying to do, and there are much fewer limitations.

For example: we no longer have to practice on top of eight apartments.

The new space an old vacant warehouse. It's been unoccupied for 58 years. It will be the new location for the Epidural studios as well as a practice space for bands.

We cleaned up most of the dirt, took out a couple walls, and plan on painting the rooms a melange of light pink and sea green, "the colors of womanhood."

Take a look, turkey--

(1): 'Daan' is pronounced like a bleet. The sound a sheep makes. You can hold the 'aa' part as long as you would like.

Cannibal Corpse

2008-02-14T18:24:00.001-05:00

Beautiful.

A Small Window Into The Mind Of Curdo

2008-02-14T14:35:00.008-05:00

If any of you ever wanted to know what it is like to be me.

This is what goes thru my mind. On repeat. All day. Every day.

"I don't even know why I am here."

2008-02-12T14:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Mrs. Budd. In 1894 a friend of mine shipped as a deck hand on the Steamer Tacoma, Capt. John Davis. They sailed from San Francisco for Hong Kong, China. On arriving there he and two others went ashore and got drunk. When they returned the boat was gone. At that time there was famine in China. Meat of any kind was from $1-3 per pound. So great was the suffering among the very poor that all children under 12 were sold for food in order to keep others from starving. A boy or girl under 14 was not safe in the street. You could go in any shop and ask for steak—chops—or stew meat. Part of the naked body of a boy or girl would be brought out and just what you wanted cut from it. A boy or girl's behind which is the sweetest part of the body and sold as veal cutlet brought the highest price. John staid [sic] there so long he acquired a taste for human flesh. On his return to N.Y. he stole two boys, one 7 and one 11. Took them to his home stripped them naked tied them in a closet. Then burned everything they had on. Several times every day and night he spanked them — tortured them — to make their meat good and tender. First he killed the 11 year old boy, because he had the fattest ass and of course the most meat on it. Every part of his body was cooked and eaten except the head—bones and guts. He was roasted in the oven (all of his ass), boiled, broiled, fried and stewed. The little boy was next, went the same way. At that time, I was living at 409 E 100 St. near—right side. He told me so often how good human flesh was I made up my mind to taste it.

On Sunday June the 3, 1928 I called on you at 406 W 15 St. Brought you pot cheese—strawberries. We had lunch. Grace sat in my lap and kissed me. I made up my mind to eat her. On the pretense of taking her to a party. You said yes she could go. I took her to an empty house in Westchester I had already picked out. When we got there, I told her to remain outside. She picked wildflowers. I went upstairs and stripped all my clothes off. I knew if I did not I would get her blood on them. When all was ready I went to the window and called her. Then I hid in a closet until she was in the room. When she saw me all naked she began to cry and tried to run down the stairs. I grabbed her and she said she would tell her mamma. First I stripped her naked. How she did kick — bite and scratch. I choked her to death, then cut her in small pieces so I could take my meat to my rooms. Cook and eat it. How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me 9 days to eat her entire body. I did not fuck her tho I could of had I wished. She died a virgin.

If I Could...

2008-02-09T11:28:00.001-05:00

I would take you here and open you up.

That's a promise.

The Story Of Ricky

2008-02-07T13:48:00.001-05:00

Hell Yes:

Hell Yes x 1,000,000,000:

Kids Head Soup

2008-02-06T19:11:00.000-05:00

This is from a Simpsons episode entitled "Yokel Chords." If you can find it, you should watch it.

Because it has completely demolished my entire mind.

And that's a good thing.

Bornpilot - "Shitforgiveme"

2008-02-04T11:36:00.000-05:00

You Gotta Click Here to Expand Das Video

Not many people have seen this, so i thought i might YouTube the hell out of it.

The story goes like this: Benji had a project to do for a class at Temple. I helped. We weren't on drugs at all during the 'filming.' However, it certainly helps if you're on drugs while watching it.

This video wasn't really intended for internet deployment, so there may be some syncing issues. If it's driving you insane: Right-Click Here and select "Save Target As," from the resulting menu, to save it to your computer.

Pure Evil

2008-02-01T17:36:00.001-05:00

This is so wrong.

Cat For A Hat

2008-01-31T10:16:00.001-05:00

This is what my mornings look like. Except with more audible purring.

OMG YTMND!

2008-01-30T16:22:00.000-05:00

You Make Me Touch Your Hands For Stupid Reasons!

I'll make you touch my ass for stupid reasons.

Your Blood All Over Me

2008-01-30T10:23:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like you've reached the end?
That there's nothing left for you to experience?
You've scaled Mt. Everest...
You've spoken with the Dalai Lama...
But have you met Will Rahmer?

From Wikipedia.org:

Albums
* Hacked up for Barbecue
* Chainsaw Dismemberment
* Domain of Death
* Darkest Day of Horror
* Re-Animated Dead Flesh

EPs & singles
* Brutally Mutilated
* Mortal Massacre
* House by the Cemetery
* Zombie Apocalypse
* Living Dead

How much more brutal can you get? Oh Shit!
Click Here To Expand Some Additional Hidden Brutality!

All Day, Baby.

2008-01-28T12:42:00.000-05:00

"This is how a nigga eat."

Not in Nodding Ham

2008-01-25T17:19:00.000-05:00

I honestly can't say anything that this picture doesn't already say.

Two is good, but i still want a Quadrapig.

Women in the Workplace?

2008-01-25T16:16:00.001-05:00

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for women's rights.

Especially the right to slug anyone, for any reason, anytime.

No Truer Words...

2008-01-25T10:33:00.001-05:00

... Have ever been spoken.

Benji's Mexican Memories

2008-01-25T10:24:00.000-05:00

This fish is the most delicious fish.

"2 Weeks" By Joe Quinn

2008-01-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

Meet Joe Quinn.

I met Joe on the first Capillary Action tour, back in '05 at 59 O'Neil Street Warehouse in Kingston, New York. I was the drummer for Capillary Action for their first two tours.

My first impression of Joe was simply pure, unbridled terror. He was enormously tall and extremely skinny, wearing a very small children's sized sweater which barely covered his torso--reaching to just above his belly button and awkwardly stretching just beyond his elbows. He had hair everywhere, one of the hairiest people I've ever met.

After we, Talibam! and DOSDEDOS played, we noticed that Joe and some of his friends were crowded around a TV set in the corner of the space. They were all watching the same thing, but each face in the crowd was frozen with a different look. Some onlookers were horrified, some were grinning with glee, some were shielding their eyes. Needless to say, we all gathered around to witness the video.

The video was a homemade film Joe had made entitled "America's Deepest Feelings." He had taken a 30 minute episode of "America's Funniest Home Videos" and had replaced the actual home videos with clips from "Faces of Death," the snuff film. The concept was simple, but the video was masterfully crafted to the point that my brain did not know how to emote correctly in response to what I was seeing. I never believed in love at first sight before then.

Joe used to live in the Warehouse with my friend Keith. Keith tells me Joe recently got a huge offering from a major university to begin teaching advanced mathematics at the graduate level. I tip my hat to you Joe, wherever you are.

If you are interested, here is a link to Joe Quinn's YouTube Page, where you can find a lot of his old videos. You certainly will not be disappointed.

Best Job Ever?

2008-01-23T18:09:00.000-05:00

»  "What do you do for a living?"

»  "Me? Well, I ride around in a cart distributing bloody beef spines and ribs of various shapes and sizes."

»  "Man that's metal."

»  "You're tellin' me!"

The Killer of 2nd and Chestnut

2008-01-23T14:28:00.000-05:00

I stroll into work around 11AM on Monday to see the Building Manager kicking feathers out of the foyer. My co-worker, Andrew, is also standing inside the door laughing. I ask them what the deal is and Andrew, smirking but saying nothing, holds his iPhone to my face.

Apparently, mere moments before I had arrived, a hawk had totally brutalized a pigeon outside our office doors. It was completely decapitated when Andrew managed to snap a picture of it, as the hawk screamed "Don't you touch my fucking pigeon!"

That very last part may or may not have happened.

John Wayne Gacy

2008-01-22T13:11:00.000-05:00

Temporary Edit: Ken Hackney interviewed John Wayne Gacy in '93. He posted it on YouTube. He requested that no one use the videos without his consent. I've emailed him. And I'm waiting for his permission to repost it.

For those of you who dont know (from Wikipedia):

John Wayne Gacy (March 17, 1942 - May 10, 1994) also known as The Killer Clown, was an American serial killer. He was convicted and later executed for the rape and murder of 33 boys and young men between 1972 and his arrest in 1978, 27 of whom he buried in a crawl space under the floor of his house, while others were found in nearby rivers. He became notorious as the "Killer Clown" because of the many block parties he threw for his friends and neighbors, entertaining children in a clown suit and makeup, under the name of "Pogo the Clown." He was also in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest sentence imposed on a mass murderer; he was given 21 consecutive life sentences and 12 death sentences.

While we wait, here is parts 1-5 of A&E Biography - John Wayne Gacy.

E tu vivrai nel terrore

2008-01-22T12:00:00.000-05:00

Seriously... If you've never seen a man be beaten and severely lacerated by a thick five foot chain, just before being crucified against the corner of a dank, stone Louisiana mansion's basement... Then you haven't lived.

Watch "The Beyond / Seven Doors Of Death" by Lucio Fulci.