Sent from a flare-lit helicopter

"O! How thy worth with manners may I sing,
"When thou art all the better part of me?
"What can mine own praise to mine own self bring?
"And what is't but mine own when I praise thee?
"Even for this let us divided live,
"And our dear love lose name of single one,
"That by this separation I may give
"That due to thee, which thou deserv'st alone."

Hi ho.

From the Prologue of Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut.

Tattoo

Saw you go home
Late last night,
Checked the front door
It was locked up tight,
So I went around
To have myself a little look.

Snuck in through
Your kitchen door,
Grabbed a knife from
The top left drawer.
You're at my feet again
But Baby, you are no more.

You let out
Your last breath,
Told me that
I was the best
But "Please no more,"
"Please no more,"
Baby, you're getting more.

Shocking

No joke: President Bush & The 2008 NCAA Sports Champions all endorse The Shocker.

Typically, when The Shocker is implemented a choice must be made whether to extend or retract the thumb (alongside the index, middle and pinky finger) for the sole purpose of clitoral stimulation. This act breaks The Shocker implementation into two categories: (1) The Unthumbed Shockers - typically more playful or experimental, usually chosen by first-time, worrisome or more cautious users, and (2) The Thumbed Shockers - typically utilized by professionals or someone who is confident not only in their ability to penetrate and potentially stimulate the vaginal cavity in tandem with the anal cavity, but someone who can also guide their subject to orgasm with the use of the extra appendage in the equation.

As you can see from the photo, many have chosen the former. The woman that stands second from the left in the front row saw what was happening and chose not to embarrass herself, unlike our current President, who stands front and center with a beautiful outstretched, sculpturesque Shocker ready for unknown territories.

Cat Facts

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You!
(Thanks to THE MADAME)

What Cats Do When Looking Inside the Toilet
(Thanks to THE INTERNET)

I Need The Deposit For My SmartCar Back...

You should see the fucking smile on my face right now.

(thanks Nikkita)

Weighted Companion Cube

If you guys have never heard of Valve Software's latest creation Portal then you live in a cave and you aren't reading this blog right now because you can't get the internet in most caves.

Essentially, Portal is the glorified, underlying physics engine for Half Life 2, the ultra-Orwellian sequel to Gordon Freeman's original Black Mesa fiasco.

Anyway, here's the premise: You have a gun. The primary fire opens a blue portal. The secondary fire opens a red portal. If you enter the blue portal, you will come out of the red portal. If you enter the red portal, you will come out of the blue portal.

Simple enough.

The trick is that the nerds over at Valve not only are all fantastic plot writers, they are also mighty puzzle wizards - and though this game is not your traditional first-person shooter, at times you'll wish you could just blow the head off of a Vortigon (Half Life 1 era, of course).

The point?

If you have an XBOX360 or a Windows PC buy The Orange Box. If you don't want to buy anything (and you have a Windows PC) go to PortalPrelude.com to download your very own copy of Portal:Prelude, the apparent prelude to Portal.

I'm downloading this now. I suggest you do the same.

* * * * *

EDIT: I'd also like to note here that you, yes you! can make your very own (semi)Weighted Companion Cube in the comfort of your own home. Check Out Greg's Blog for More Information

Ugh God Tour Videos

Chan, Dance the Night Away

Drums Like Machine Guns: In The Dark

Drums Like Machine Guns: In the Light

Dust From 1000 Years, Part 1

Dust From 1000 Years, Part 2

Fred & Susie, Part 1

Fred & Susie, Part 2

Ladysnax First Show

Wrestling, Part 1

Wrestling, Part 2

Dan Fucks a Pig

Gunna Vahm. Being Awesome.

Fortress of Swatches. Bull City HQ. Part 1

Fortress of Swatches. Bull City HQ. Part 2

Fortress of Swatches. Bull City HQ. Part 3

Ugh God Tour Blog: "That Was Really Fucking Long"

Arlington, VA, (formerly Washington DC) was one of the best nights on the road. Brian and Richie Morsberger were stood up by their friend who was going to put them up for the night, granting us the opportunity to actually HANG OUT with them. Brian, Richie and I stayed up for a long time, partying on the porch.

The next day we got up and traveled to Baltimore where we met up with Dactyl and Gunna Vahm, fresh from a 52 hour drive across the width of the entire country. We bought Drums Like Machine Guns a pizza and drank Colt 45 at The Sidebar until our vision was blurred and we were all getting wild, wild eyes.

Drums started off the set. Two excessively racist fucks at the end of the bar was heckling them, calling them "hippies" and yelling "nooooo" every time Ritchie tested the PA. Brian started the set off by his usual banter, though included threats like "I will make you see your own blood, you fuck." Brilliant. We played, made some friends, Baltimore seemed receptive. Eric from Dactyl really liked it and gave me a ton of merch, which I'm currently rocking out to... in my office... ugh.

Vahm was in rare form for the night. Jeff did 3 shots during Lothario (the video of which i will be posting shortly) and later he tried to rail me in the testicles with a bar stool. He told me later that it "looked like I had enough to spare," which was compliment... of some kind.

Dactyl was awesome. If you guys haven't heard Dactyl, Fight Amputation or Gunna Vahm there is seriously something wrong with you.

Us and Drums drove to the 700 Club in Wilmington that night. We pretty much passed out as soon as we got there. When we woke up people had already started appearing for the festival. It was the 700 Club's last show, and they had asked us to headline, which was a monstrous honor, as they were a phenomenal venue. The entire day was pretty much a blur. The show was set up so that 2 bands could battle at a time for 20 minute intervals. The first band would play a song, then the other band would play a song. Repeat for 6 hours.

It was awesome. Everything was awesome. Everything except Chicago.

I'll be posting videos of some ridiculous crap and some of the bands we rocked out with along the way.

I was to thank some people as well, for making our tour completely awesome.

Jon Solomon of WPRB in Princeton. The Beautiful Traps for beating us in our battle at the radio station. Ron Anderson from PAK for the awesome, awesome show. Keith Abrams for the playing the crab and blowing our minds. Kevin and Mary of People for playing such a sick set. Migs, Dave, Greg and all the bros at the New Hawaii, thanks for the back rubs and for putting up with us for 2 days. Fat History Month for being just fucking awesome. Will from White Mice for sitting on his back porch with a bow and arrow in hand, just waiting for the zombie apocalypse. Chris in VT for putting us up when all of our 'friends' had forgotten about us. The Canadian border officers for being so hot (and nice). The Nevers, The Terrorists and Sweet Mother Logic for giving us a great show in Montreal. Channing and Eric in Rochester for the great place to stay and all the cats, we never stopped in Liquid Smoke but we did stroll past it. Thanks to Detroit for being a weird, weird fucking place. Tom in Lansing for letting us bang your girlfriend, and to those creepy girls downstairs, i hope you get the shit scared out of you at 4AM too, you bastards. Caleb and Amy Jehl for the great time we had in Ft. Wayne. Dust from 1000 Years for being the best band on tour by far. Thanks for nothing, Chicago. Jar, Victor and friends in Pendleton and for the night that completely destroyed Dan for the rest of the tour. Jimmy from Dust for the place to stay in Bloomington, and to Ron for all of the morning snacks. Eric Hall in St. Louis for the great show and all the love, thanks to Mable for making it to the show and to Mario for the fucking awesome tacos. A very special thanks to the zombies of Louisville. Thanks to Lex and Alex at Wolf Castle in Murfreesboro and to Evil Bebos for making it out to the show and showing that you love us as much as we love you. Thank you to Spillage for letting us play, though we were late, to Juffage for rocking really hard and to Lisa for the taco beers. Thanks to Joe and Selena for the place to stay and the cat party, Megaman eats flies. Thanks to my "cousin" Chaz for letting us crash at the Bull City Headquarters, when we had no place else to sleep, those fans did the trick. Thanks to the Spazzatorium and Jeff in Greenville, and to Brent's brother Andrew and sister Emily for making me feel like part of their family again. Thanks also to Sohns, Bears, Straight No Chaser and the other touring bands on the bill at the Summer Fun Fest. Thanks to Nara for the huge sushi platter, Narwhalz for the gay noise in the bathroom, and Drums Like Machine Guns for driving all the way to Richmond to start the end of the tour with us. Thanks to Amanda for the wizard. Thanks to Gestures and the Kansas house for putting the show on last minute, thanks to Juice for telling us to stay away from Mario's (i wish we would have listened to you), and thanks to Laughing Man for a reminder of the good ol' days. Thanks to the Sidebar for proudly serving Colt 45 and nachos, and to Dactyl and Gunna Vahm for the fucking awesome night of rock. And last but certainly not least, a very, very, very special thanks to Tom and Jess of the 700 Club, for helping us end our tour and their venue the right way... The Ugh God way... Half erect and really, really drunk.

Just wait for the videos.

Ugh God Tour Blog: "Our Nation's Crapital"

The drive to DC from Richmond was an easy one, except for the standstill traffic packing every road in and around Washington. We met some beautiful babes on the highway during one of the extended delays who thought that the bright yellow van they were forced to stare at was the funniest thing they had ever seen. They would drive up when the traffic broke, honk, and stop while we drove past, showed them our boobs, dance and make stupid faces at them, as though we were truly deserving to be on the short bus that we drove.

They later passed us in an open lane and stopped a few car-lengths ahead of us, waiting for us to catch up and successfully blocking another lane of active traffic. They got a tape whipped at them. We made hot highway friends. Maybe they just felt sorry for us, though.

We eventually made it to DC Mini, the studio where our friend Brandon works. The show was originally supposed to be housed there, but later was moved to Kay's Spiritual Center, and after some confusion about rental fees, was finally relocated to Gestures' Practice Space.

Funny thing, I knew Gestures' tuba player, Jon Lebowitz, as I am good friends with his brothers Mike and Ben. It was nice to meet the third male spawn of the Lebowitz clan.

Anyway we played first, followed by Drums Like Machine Guns who played in the dark, lit only by a strobe light that barely worked (I've got video of the Richie's head, sequencer and brief moments of Brian running around, which will be posted as soon as I get home). Gestures and Laughing Man finished out the set beautifully.

Brian and I found a hide-a-bed and made it up real nice for ourselves. We were so stoked on crashing on its spring-less, back-breaking goodness but were dismayed to find Sean, Dan and Mike crammed on it moments later. Brian slept on the porch and I curled up on a stinky chair, cursing the bitches who robbed us of our triumphant find.

James got couged too. This time, full coug.

The tour curse has been broken.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry